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Well... a lot has happened since last time I posted. I kind of re-read some of the posts I had years ago and realized I am now coming back for the same issue but worse...
I fell in love with a boy. The boy who caused me all that pain years ago... things were great for a long time...
Just recent we decided to call it quits... Well, what ever you want to call it. We def. seperated and took different ways.
Im so emotionally mind fucked its ridiculous. My heart is torn, my head is torn, my heart is coming out my chest, pumping furious blood through my vains that it burns...
I don't know what else to say, but time heals the soul.... Im so FUCKING torn....
I HURT I cry endlessly... non stop. I can't stop. I think and I cry... it stuffs up my nose and makes my eyes swell... Im so mentally exhausted. I am angry too... but don't show it. My body does. Food whats that? I can't even smoke a ciggarette today.. now thats well.... a first.
Having my heart demolished and destroyed like this is something I can't ever remember feeling...EVER. I want to die. I don't want to feel like this.
I have had a few great people give me advice and talk me through, and have those guys who are suprise back chit chatting it up... Im not looking right now....
I just want to be saved. I'm so alone.... I FEEL ALONE. You is all I had. I didn't just loose my lover, my boy friend.. I LOST my best friend and the only person that meant anything to me in my life...
What to do now...
No idea.
Can't drink a lot get too emotional.
I can't wait... its not fair.
My dream about the plane scared me.... It summed up us now in a terrifying dream... your gone..... just gone. I can't save you, I can't touch you, I can't feel you, I can't see you... I can't CAN't CAN"T CANT do anything....
I asked the universe to make me better. I asked God to make me better. I can't take this anxiety and horrible pain.... I don't think anyone should feel like this...
heart ache....
HEART ACHE...
time will tell.
<//3Current Mood:  blah Current Music: city and colour |
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They have a similiar style as the "Black Eyed Peas". Don't lie and say you don't listen to them because you loveee that "Humps" song.
Pocket Dwellers Myspace
They are really good. I just wanted to see what other people thought about them!! |
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Feb. 1st, 2006 @ 12:20 am
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YOU to go listen to these musicians!!
GOTCHA BITCH!
go check them out or i will be mad
listen and tell me what you think of them
or i won't be your friend anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
myspace.com/pocketdwellers
^ copy and paste that into the address bar to hear them on myspace orrrrrr you can click the banner and go to their real web site.
you love me so do it PLEASE!!!!
Please give me feedback because I am doing this for the next week to help them out.
They are similar to the black eyes peas... you know you like that humps/lumps song... <3
love, Britt :) |
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Ah. I just can't help these insecurities and fears. Nothing is ever going to be right. I'm fallen. It hurts and its upsetting. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish that everything would go away. My thoughts, my everything. I just want it to stop. But why stop and get broken? It's not fair to me to be put in this position. To feel this way. I've never had to before and it is just... I don't know. I just don't know. |
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Jan. 3rd, 2006 @ 05:44 pm
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ah i want to die sometimes
this feeling sucks
it burns my heart |
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God it tears me apart...
I'm scared, uneasy.
Tonight is a big night for me, and I'm insecure about a lot of things...
Eh...
I just have this feeling this dying feeling...
Like... I don't know. I'm being torn apart through out the inside.
I don't know...
So cautious with my heart.
I just know that soon, things will go bad.
I get this weird feeling.
Like this is going to change everything for the worse...
I don't know what I can do.
It hurts me so bad to do this.
I'm so uneasy and so uncomfortable...
It shouldn't be like this.
I shouldn't have to feel like this.
You shouldn't let me feel like this...
Time to get ready for the funeral.
Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 06:58 pm
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| » I set my self up for the greatest fall of all time... |
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questions that just run through my head...
i was talking to a good friend today...
doesn't mean i listen to everything she says...
but...
she made sense...
why do i have to be the one to say hello?
why do i have to be the one to ignite things?
if it is such a big deal why doesn't the other person?
after everything we have been through why does he still socialize with her?
after everything she has done to him?
there were months of him hating her and calling her a bitch, and now everything is ok?
manipulation is a wonderous thing now isn't it?
people tell him how great i am, how i do anything for him and i am underthought, underestimated, taken for granted...
what is going to happen when i am gone?
when i pick up and leave because you can't choose and put the feelings aside?
if is in love is what he is why is he doing this?
if he loves me why does what a old flame matter?
someone tell me please...
i'm tired of hurting...
i'm tired of crying...
i just want to be happy.
is it because i don't have the same dreams as him?
maybe she does?
how is she so much better than me?
when I have done nothing but gave him everything?
the sacrafices the choices everything...
i feel betrayed and heartbroken...
will he realize it?
will he realize in his head that its not ok what he is doing?
will someone just help me?
god isn't...
Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 09:02 pm
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| » I've had enough... |
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All we have been doing is fighting...
It takes two to tango.
I don't blame anyone but ourselves.
It just needs to stop.
The pressure just needs to stop.
Promises just need to be kept.
Eh.
I don't know.
It's drving me nuts.
As I bet it is for him.
I don't, I just don't know what else to say.
Prove to me.
Help these insecurities.
Say what you mean.
It's that easy.
Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 06:40 pm
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| » Because your beautiful, just not on the inside... |
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So I have become everything I hate...
-cell phone sales lady
-telemarketer
-my mom
-untrusting girlfriend
Now my issue goes along with the last one. it's not like there hasn't been reasons to be untrusting, or anything like that. it's just soooo hard to trust again after being hurt again and lied too. ah. It's not like I want to be that way or want to always be suspicious or anything.
I know that I mess up too. I have looked through my boyfriends cell phone to read texts. And wow... uber sketchy of me. I don't deny it and when asked I say I did. I don't need to lie about it. I just know he has/is hiding things from me. It's not like I am not ashamed of myself or anything, because I am. I don't want to fight. I love him, and I hate fighting...
Last night was the last time. This is how I am going to live from now on...
"Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all..." I know I always use that quote but I am sticking too it.
I guess if I am going to get hurt I better not know about it for awhile right and live like happy...
Either way, my boyfriend and I fought about this again last night. Not saying I didn't start it. I'm going to be less suspicious... less untrusting, because I love him and we only fight when it comes to a certain thing... which obviously it is now turned on me and I need to get over...
Whatever right? No one wants to be yelled at our shown there faults and bad things about them. I'm not perfect. I fuck up once and it feels like the end of the world for me.
At least I realize mine and try to change them.
Word.
Dec. 7th, 2005 @ 01:21 pm
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| » Why? Why?? Why??? |
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If I could scream, and it wouldn't hurt my head, I would. I am so fed up with shit.
How hard is it for someone not to talk to someone?
I know my boyfriend talks to this one girl, and she crosses the line constantly.
And we've been in SO MANY fights about it, and he feeds me the same bullshit.
I am sick of it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Tell me what I do to deserve it?
He says he isn't going to socialize with her but he does.
I can't deal with it anymore.
Dec. 1st, 2005 @ 10:23 am
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| » God hates beautiful... |
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So yesterday I was in the hospital. Pumped up with a IV full of pain killers, diagnosed with a migraine and refered to a neurologist. Bah.
Fun Fun Fun. My poor boyfriend had to wait with me.
Now I feel icky, and I have to go to my 3rd MAC Make-up Interveiw. Wish me luck!!
I've came to some revelations recently.
I'm going to live day by day, not care anymore what anyone does. I'm more important.
I don't think I have been paying enough attention to me.
I do everything for everyone and some times it feels like I don't get the respect I deserve back.
The boyfriend and I have been doing much better. Little stupid fights because of shit he does...
but...
I'm over it.
If he is going to ruin our relationship than have it on his shoulders.
Because... I'm sick of stuff. I'm sick of getting hurt. I'm sick of other girls.
I just want people to stop.
I'm going to pretend nothing bothers me anymore.
I'm going to become myself again.
I'm not going to try.
I'm going to loose myself in the moment, in each day...
and be happy that I am alive and well and I have a boyfriend that says he loves me.
Nothing comes good out of knowing everything. right?
"Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all..." -some homeboy.
I want to live.
So I am going too...
I am going to get my dreams together and create the path that is needed to follow them.
Your either with me or without me...
God hates beautiful,
and I'm not going to hurt anymore.
-b
Nov. 29th, 2005 @ 10:36 am
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| » This is why I have few friends... |
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After talking to a friend of mine... We got into it about something that happened between my boyfriend and mine. It was something that broke my heart (how i felt that day is the entry below) but since then I/we are working on things, and yeah...
This converstion just proves that I can't have close guy friends, or anything. I just can't deal with jealousy anymore. A friend is supposed to be a friend and never cross that line. And when it's crossed, you know what to do. Silence can be golden.
A friend should respect you and (your boyfriend) and just be there for that person not be against them.
AFIUsedPunkie: we went to a movie last night and watched the sunset and took bandit to the beach...
101: wrong of you to do to yourself
AFIUsedPunkie: !!!!!!
101: so
AFIUsedPunkie: I don't know.
101: i do
AFIUsedPunkie: He means everything to me. There is no justifing what he did.
101: your makin a big mistake
AFIUsedPunkie: But there is forgivness
101: in my eyes he should have to prove himself
AFIUsedPunkie: he is.
101: how
101: by freaking out cause he got caught
AFIUsedPunkie: he admitted everything.
AFIUsedPunkie: he's never lied to me about anything before.
AFIUsedPunkie: hes always honest
101: i dont know brit
101: they never do:-(
101: you know what
AFIUsedPunkie: what??
101: your grown up
AFIUsedPunkie: ok?
101: and you make your own decisions
101: i dont why i said that
AFIUsedPunkie: ok...
101: nevermind
101: i dont approve...i think your gonna get hurt again
101: and
AFIUsedPunkie: he makes me happy, he loves me and he makes mistakes. as everyone else in the world does.
Trancis101: im disappointed
AFIUsedPunkie: well than i guess I'm a stupid girl who will make the same mistakes over and over again.
101: so what
101: i dont even know him]
101: i just know he fucked up
101: and it shouldnt be that easy
101: it shouldnt!!!
AFIUsedPunkie: yes he broke my trust, and it's not like i 100% trust him again
Trancis101: your better than that
AFIUsedPunkie: and its something we are working on.
101: and that pisses me off
AFIUsedPunkie: ok. well. I don't know what else to say.
101: what do you have w/out trust
101: nothing
101: not a thing
101: thats always gonna be thwere with yiou
101: you wont forget it
AFIUsedPunkie: true. but I trust him, and it's going to take me a long time to get back to what we were.
101: and when he does it again
AFIUsedPunkie: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD JUST STOP.
AFIUsedPunkie: your making me cry.
101: your gonna be really pissed off at yourself
Auto response from AFIUsedPunkie: I am away from my computer right now.
Nov. 20th, 2005 @ 05:42 pm
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| » and he said to my heart "die bitch die." |
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This is something I posted on my myspace yesterday...
...
"I can give you no more than all the love I have.
take it with you wherever your heart shall lead you.
this is the requiem for broke hearts and empty promises,
with weary steps I will press on no longer,
now watch as the blade cuts through my skin,
and this blood will forever rain up on your guiltless head,
could you hold this close to your heart forever...forever?
Will you hold this close to your heart forever and always.
or will you bathe in my blood foerver and always?..."
...
all men are liars.
i don't care who you are or what you think.
there will always be someone else on his mind.
and it saddens me to say.
my heart is torn completely broken,
and only death might free my pain.
time can not heal wounds dug so deep.
but even the luxury of death won't help my worthless heart.
but i will not surrender to it.
my heart is owned by a fool,
and forever it shall be imprinted.
-b
Nov. 17th, 2005 @ 01:05 pm
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| » Turn off this machine, because this is the only thing keeping me alive... |
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SOOOOooo today was bullshit. Total BULL shit. More than a normal day of bullshit. AHHHHhhhhhhh! Ok, so my Mom wrote me a 2 page typed letter on everything she disappoves of in my life. Pretty much criticizing me on everything. Telling me all I do is try to hard to be cool, and shit like I make bad decisions, oh my God. If I ever could kill myself today would be the day.
wow.
2 pages of complete bullshit.
-b
Nov. 11th, 2005 @ 07:53 pm
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| » I Hope and Desire... I... Hope I Expire. |
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Lately I'm alright. I'm definetly scared... but the feeling you give me...
makes me float on air...
-update-
Ha. Ok, right now I am typing on the floor and looking up at thisssss huggeeee tv screen to attempt to type.
My boyfriend hooked his computer up to a big screen t.v. so I can record the o.c. tonight for him. hee hee.
Hope its a good episode.
But my point in telling you that was it's uber hard to type and look up. The screen looks funny from down here.
So if there are typos please ignore.
Thanks.
Gosh this hurts my hands and neck....
OK. problem solved.
So lately has been a lot better.
I went to the doctors yesterday for wonderful girl issues.
yay.
I also found out I am overweight for my size.
I weigh 132 and I'm 5'9''.
I don't think thats normal.
Either way...
I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
Also my face is breaking out or its getting dry... I don't know what the hell is going on with it.
But I've NEVER broke out before. ick. I'm not getting zits but it doesn't feel baby butt soft as it usually does.
ick.
weird.
I think it might be the changing of seasons of the birth control I am taking.
Which leads me to my next bit of drama.
I've had my rag 4 times in 2 months.
And it's still here.
My poor boyfriend.
It just sucks, and it hurts, and it makes me grouchy and not feel well.
poo.
I think that could be the reason why I have gainned some weight.
I still have a slim as hell frame, but I got a icky pudge...
which girls should NOT have.
ick,
I decided throwing up my meals wasn't worth it.
ca ca.
I just need to get organized.
And thats about it.
So I set up a few goals for myself to accomplish by next friday...
They go as followed:
1. EXERCISE EVERY FUCKING DAY.
2. Eat a little better. (no more nachos)
3. Get a decent paying job.
4. Do something active with Bandit outside everyday.
5. Paint more. It relaxes me.
I need to go to more shows I have decided too.
... I am trying to think if there is anything else to complain vent about...
doesn't look like it right now.
Nov. 10th, 2005 @ 03:42 pm
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| » I think I'll kill myself now... |
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God I am such a fool...
I can't get over it. I'm such a fool.
Last night I was being so rude. I drank and took muscle relaxers, but that is no excuse for my behavior.
This is why I am going to become *cough* straight edge and not drink anymore. I don't do anything else so I guess thats what one would classify me as. I am also going to go see a therapist. My irrational behavior lately has lead me to think that I still haven't buried past issues that I need to get completely over. And talking to a professional doesn't seem like a bad idea.
I turned into my mother last night...
I was vindictive,
Picking fights because I was just so mad for no reason...
Trying to leave when I didn't want to...
And hurting my boyfriend.
He is very smart might I add...
It hurts when people pick out your faults, but he has no problem in telling me mine.
Which it hurts, but last night he said exactly what I was doing, and I didn't even realize it.
That's why I need to change. Not for him, not for anyone else. But for myself.
I want to be farrrrr from my mother as possible.
My Mom has even mentioned before that it's something she does.
I have a problem with words.
I have issues with always running away.
Which is not the answer.
I'm just fucked up in the head, and not emotionally stable at all.
I was told I was pushing my boyfriend away, and omg did that put sharp pains through my heart.
I don't ever want to do that.
I just need to get over my fear of rejection and just tell him how I feel,
With all my body and soul. I'm so scared though.
He told me he loved me the other day and it took me awhile to say it back to him because I was
trying to make sure I wasn't dreaming. It made me soooo happy, thinking about that moment makes me happy...
I've been wanting to tell him for a month now, but I couldn't. My friends up north egged me on too, but I could never find the right time, and I'd get frustrated and than mad. Like I said I am the biggest fool ever.
I don't think he believes me when I say it back. I don't know. I get scared...
I don't want him to realize that maybe he is making a mistake in telling me that or something stupid,
Than my heart would be broken.
He thinks I don't trust him... I do. I can see how it looks like I don't. I don't want him to think anything like that anymore. It's soooo hard for a person to admit there faults and fall outs, and I guess that means I might be somewhat of a strong person again, because I have been broken and weak for so long.
No one has made me feel the way I do when it comes to my boyfriend. I feel like a little school girl, getting all red and giddy when I think about him. I love his eyes, the way he moves and dances. I love his thoughts, his intellect and his charm. I don't think I have ever been in love with someone as much as I am.
Thinking about my ex of 4 years, which isn't a lot because there isn't really anything to think about ... ha ha. I don't think I ever felt this way towards him. I don't remember a time ever where he made me feel like that. Not once. I guess it's sad that I wasted my highschool years on him. Well, that might be harsh, but yeah.
I don't know if there anything else to say right now...
except Death Cab for Cutie is music for the soul.
Let me tell you.
So peaceful and calming.
Glad I started listening to them...
Which comes to me thinking about a song that has the best words to describe how I feel...
"Everything" by Lifehouse...
Go do your homework if you want to know what they are.
I always feel better after writing in this stupid thing.
I should really be telling theses things to the person the feelings are for...
Like I said... I can be a fool sometimes.
I felt like I almost lost him last night because of my fit.
I felt a space for that moment, and it did not feel good at all.
And I NEVER want to feel that again.
Or have him feel that way.
Off to shower.
-b
Nov. 5th, 2005 @ 11:22 am
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| » I wrote this on the 2nd, but I'm gonna post it in here... |
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I've been very depressed lately... Doesn't really have to do with one certain thing, but a lot of different issues. You know, family, friends, the boyfriend. God, I just want to feel whole again, and not numb anymore.
I have trust issues, GOD I admit it. Well, after being cheated on by a boyfriend of 4 years, being raped and beaten to almost near death by a close friend, and just lies lies lies from guys I've dated... I think I have the right to be a little cautious. I apologize. Does anyone understand that???
I just get screwed over all the time. ALL THE TIME, If it isn't one thing it's another. I have lots of medical issues and I am only a fresh 21 year old. I think about suicide all the time. Slitting my wrists, overdosing on pain killers ... it just feels right sometimes. But, I've been there done that and obviously it didn't work ... or else you wouldn't be reading this. Well, your not supposed to be reading this. This is me just venting.
I remember when I was little when I had frustrations and issues, I used to write letters to God. I'd pray too but I never felt like he was listening. Well, anyway, after I got done being a emo cry baby to God, I'd bury them. I just thought that if they got buried that God would get them faster. I don't know what else to say about that but I lost faith...
I am self destructive. See I know my faults. I am so unorganized right now with money, school, life... AHHHHHHHHH! I know people don't really understand this but I lived on my own since I was practically 16. Up in oh-so wonderful Napa Valley... blah. Anyway, everything I should have been doing when I was 16, I wasn't. I had bills, rent, bullshit to look after. I did that for 4 years! 4 years ... wow. I feel that everything a 21 year old does now, I've done when I was that young. *sigh* I just want to relax... live a little. I've been doing that since January, but now it's almost been a year since the MOST HORRIBLE things that happened in my life occurred so I think getting back on track this month is going to be a goal...
I really love my boyfriend. Never like I have for anyone. He is the only thing that is keeping me alive and well right now. I'd do anything for him, and all I want to do is make him happy. That makes me happy. The only time I am truly happy is when I am with him. Waking up in the morning and being right next to him and feeling his warmth is undeniably comforting.
I don't know who I am. I know what I don't want to be. And I hope to God I am far from it. If someone was to describe me I wonder what they would think... Nothing to bad I hope. Everyone has there own opinion on me anyway.
Most of this writing is just a bunch of random things that have been on my mind and I just want to get out...
Nov. 5th, 2005 @ 11:20 am
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| » quick and easy... |
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ok, so this was supposed to be my escape. either way it is. anyways. so a few of my dear friends found me on the space today... ha ha. awesome.
last night was one of the best nights ever.
we just did the carlsbad crawl... hit up all the bars/pubs in downtown carlsbad. my boyfriend was the sweetest thing. ♥
definetly made me happy and smile.
as always.
but i was dd so i didn't get to drink as much.
and today i am tired and my back really hurts. blah.
a friend kind of scared me today...
i was telling her about something last night and she said that sometimes when guys say certain things they just mess with your head than, when you least expect it... BAM... your gone. out of the picture. i guess i kind of got emo and scared about that today...
stupid girls.
Nov. 4th, 2005 @ 03:51 pm
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| » One Week |
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Feelings they come from deep inside,
A burden not sewn,
But delivered when I cry,
A second later,
Hopeful and ties,
Then from the depths,
All Anger,
No pride,
Short glances in a mirror,
A Fear not wanted,
Beauty is mine,
One week later,
No pain,
All is fine...
(I wrote this a few years ago, and just recently dug it up. I like it. anyone knows what I am talking about or wants to take a guess send it my way. It's called "One Week" and it's written by yours truly...)
-b
Nov. 3rd, 2005 @ 06:04 pm
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| » in hope and despair in hope i expire... |
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ok. back to the old lj. i've had lj for eons and now i think i am kind getting over the whole myspace thing and coming back...
a lot has gone on...
let's see.
where to start. i'll just begin with a little about me. since i deleted all my past journal entries and i highly doubt anyone who is reading this now has read them.
ok.
i'm a emo scene kid. call me what you will. atleast you don't see me at a backstreet boys concert. ha. i have graduated beauty college and i was going to college for arts and law. almost done with my aa in arts. i love writing and attempting to express my inner feelings... which in fact i am horrible at.
music is my life. i have met and seen anyone i ever wanted to. from billy idol, to my chemical romance, to travis barker... i have met everyone. the list can go on, but i'll pass and save you from some bragging. i attempt to manage a band called "the perks..." they are so good i just wish they were more organized and saw their own potential.
i have a boyfriend, and God is he amazing. he makes me the happiest person on this planet. i hope he knows that. sometimes i'm too much of a taurus to admitt it to him... and if you've read into astrology at all you know what i am saying.
i don't really know what else to write right now...
if i think of anything new i'm sure it'll go as a entry.
i guess this lj is going to be for me to vent.
it's a little bit silly.
but hey...
do i care what you think?
no.
-b
Nov. 3rd, 2005 @ 05:58 pm
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turquoiseeyes's journal